Your illustrious editor thrusts his hands deep into his bulging inbox... Oooh, err, matron.
From the "What do I look like? The fount of all knowledge?" file
Date: 27 December 2006
i saw a report on singing for a charity single but lost the email address can you help me
[Warning - clichéd answer approaching...] Have you tried looking behind the sofa? I'd put money on it having just slipped down the side of the cushions or something...
(Seriously, do you remember the days when there used to be big directories of email addresses online and you could put names in and find how to contact people... Wow... The age of an innocent internet...)
Date: 3 November 2006
how can I buy a copy of the 2007 tyne tees calendar?
You know, I just did a search on Google and the top result proudly proclaimed
"Any 2007 Calendar Direct to your Door". Did it have the Tyne Tees one? Nope... It's an outrage! So much so that I quickly drafted an email to the BBC's Watchdog team! But then they just accused me of being a nutter. How they could claim that, I really don't know. I don't even think they've seen this site...
Date: 14 October 2004
send me every thing you have on rap please thank you . I like this website a lot and send me every thing you have to learn me how to rap thank you.
Well you could just re-read my handy, convenient guide called How To Be A Gangster Rapper Without Really Trying. You know. The one that you were reading when you emailed me...
It might give you a hint of the kind of level I'm operating at here...
Date: 31 March 2004
Yo, I would like you to teach me how to rap.I'm not that well at it, and I really really want to be a rapper like Eminem. I live in Guyana, South America.Please help me.
Look, I'm only replying to this because the second correspondent is from Guyana. I mean, if they weren't, I just wouldn't. Okay. I mean, these things are, after all, very important to note, especially when you're learning to rap.
So here's a summary. What you do is play some music - preferably something that everyone knows and loves like a Dido song, or maybe even Knick-Knack Paddywhack. Then you strip out all the words that people like to sing along to. And then you talk jibberish over the top, preferably mentioning something about your hommies and their big hood.
There. Sorted. Respect due.
Date: 25 September 2006
I'm 12 and doing some homework and thought i'd look at your site because i need info on the river tees.
How come you have site has info on everything else except from the river tees and all its towns and villages?
Yes it has to be said that Planet Bods is pretty comprehensive, covering all topics known to man. And yes, that is one omission, which I'll rectify now.
The River Tees is a river in the North East of England. It is 87 miles long and goes between Harlepool and Redcar, and flows into the North Sea.
There. Hope that makes amends.
Date: 4 April 2004
i wanna make my own radio station in its cheapest and simpliest form.. i am not an electrician but a graphic artist i just wanna have my own station pls help me.. or make a list of cheap hardware that i can buy from a local electronic shop to biuld my own radio station pls do it in the simpliest way u can.i tried to get help from others but they always give me a complicating guide..hope you can help me thank you..
Well I have to say that when it comes to running a radio station, being a qualified graphic artist is an important qualification. So anyway, here's my top tips for having your own radio station the simple way.
First buy a CD player and a microphone. Plug them together and attach to your PC. Play your CD then use your microphone to talk over your records. Get small children to sit quietly in a corner of the room and listen to you.
You could actually buy a mixing desk to help you out, but it's a bit overkill - all you really need to do is use the volume control on your speakers...
From the "Random Praise" file
Date: 10 November 2006
Just want to say how lovely it is to see Lesley on tonight. We've missed her.
Well good. I'm glad you're happy. I'll put her on more often, just for you.
From the "Just what are you on then" file
Date: 18 August 2006
We are the supplier of USB DAB receiver from Taiwan, as read your blogs, we know you're expert to work in radio industry. Uk is the main market to promote DAB devices. We would like to ask you about this DAB marketing status if you know about this.
Well I have to say, yes, I am an expert. I'm sure this can be shown via my writing slightly sarcastic look at formulaic radio stations (which is still as true now as it was when I wrote it several years ago), and a series of very low budget, and very poor quality student radio shows nine years ago, that next to no one listened to, nor cared about.
With such expertise under my belt, I feel thoroughly justified in asking for a consultancy fee of £5m, payable in used twenty pound notes in a battered briefcase.
It's a pleasure to do business with you. Although I have to ask.. who on earth is Bob?
From "Andrew is hopeless at sorting out his emails" file
Date: 5 November 2004
i think it is utterly disgraceful that you leave a report on the north east referendum for a programme about football. Surely the referendum is far more important than FOOTBALL!
this seems to take precedence over EVERYTHING!
This is the message intended to be sent, but you did say you expected the result at 12.20 and to my surprise, you went back to the studio at 12.15. I could not believe you did this! It makes a change for something to push football aside and up to now, at 12.21 i congratulate you. i am sending this now in the hope you stay with the voting results
Well I have to say I'm impressed that you knew what I was doing on Bonfire Night several years ago. I presume I left the report about the referendum because it wasn't very interesting, although why I'd flick through the Independent to go to the Sport section, I'm really not sure because I can't stand sport really - especially not football.
However I do like studios, although mine is more of a spare bedroom with some computers in it really...
Date: 6 April 2004
INVITATION FOR YOU TO ATTEND
Wear Valley Food Festival
Saturday 10 April 2004
10.00 until 4.00
Food stalls via Teesdale Marketing,
Craft stalls via Bishop Auckland Town Centre Forum,
Children's Entertainment via Teesdale Marketing
Northern Echo Publicity Van via Teesdale Marketing
BBC Radio Outside Broadcast via Teesdale Marketing
Woodturning Demonstration via Teesdale Marketing
Cookery Demonstration via Teesdale Marketing
Guided Tours of Castle via Auckland Castle Management,
Rats. I missed it. By several years. Sounded good as well. I mean, the Northern Echo publicity van is just what you want at a food festival...
Date: 19 September 2004
I would like to know what the name of the cd of classical piano music was played behind a article about Norman Cornish the (Artist)on North East Tonite last Thursday? I would much appreciate your help on this.
Look, that's just slanderous! There's no music played behind any article, yet alone an article on Norman Cornish. Whoever he is....
Date: 26 January 2005
CAN YOU GIVE MOR INFOS ABOUT THE SHAKIN STEVENS AND THE SUNSETS CONCERT THE GEORDIE SCENE 1974-TRACKLIST AND ALL OTHER INFOS PLEASE?
Ah, see if I'd answered this at the time, I could have told you! Two and a half years on and I'm just stumped...
Date: 29 March 2004
Aren't you going to update this?
Look mate, it's taken me nearly three years to answer your email. I think you can get the picture on the update front...