Riffling through the bin of ridiculousness... Yes it's time to answer more emails from the bulging post bag, and we had a batch delivered that were sent in 2005! Royal Mail's getting better all the time.
Oh, okay. I just found a load in an email folder that I'd forgotten about. There. Are you happy now?
Anyway, on to the first one!
Bods's World Records
Date: 9 February 2005
hello my name is steve and i have just gone into the guinness book of records for having the longest tongue in the world,i was wondering if you could give me any info on getting contact numbers ect for putting this tongue to use in adverts ect as i am bashing my head trying to find then.
Err... Yes. I think I'll just move onto the next letter...
Andrew's Radio Services Emporium
Date: 25 August 2005
Please allow me to introduce myself; my name is Francis Battaglia, President, KFNX NEWS/TALK RADIO 1100 in Phoenix, Arizona. I am interested in airing your program on our station. Please contact me by telephone as soon as possible to discuss further details; including the production cost, sponsorship and income opportunities. My telephone number is [witheld]. Please forward your telephone number. I look forward to speaking with you.
Unfortunately my radio show has now ended. But thanks for the offer. Shame it came in about ten years too late, but hey, I'm always happy for the offer.
Date: 28 January 2005
i would like to start a radio show with my sisters. where can i get info ?
Well I'd chat with Aretha Franklin and the Eurythmics. After all, sisters are doing it for themselves these days.
[Look, sorry, I know that's extremely lame, but have you tried writing witty responses to these things? Especially when you have next to no comedy talent? Well? Have you?]
Bowdenesque Knowledge Fountain Conglomerate
Date: 3 February 2005
when did awards for pipe smokers of the year begin and can you name the
Thanking you in anticipation
Yes I can. Thanks for asking and have a nice day.
Bods's Big Bargain Bed Bazaar
Date: 4 April 2005
When on a recent holiday in Australia there waa a item on t.v. about Russian Weather men that if thay got the forecast wrong thay had to pay a fined so Bob do not go to Russia as a weather man because your Mattress will get thinner and thinner Ha Ha
Oh I get it! Mattress! Thinner! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Aside] Now, who is Bob anyway?
Bowden And Associates Advertising Services Ltd
Date: 4 April 2005
wondering if you could tell me aprox. how much it would cost to make a short ad and put it on tv.just the total cost is needed please.
Well a lot depends on how you film your advert, what channel it's going to be on and indeed, whether you pay for some celebrities to be in it.
For example, a Marks and Spencer's Christmas advert might cost a few million pounds. Meanwhile, an Iceland advert - you know, the ones with that Liverpudlian woman wittering on about how many people she's got to feed at her amazing party - probably comes in at about £10.50. And that includes the cost of all that processed frozen crap that they call "food"!
Bods's in da hood!
Date: 25 April 2005
Hey how you doing all out there?
iam looking for an record deal, iam smashin it, iam killing it, soon or later youll be feelin it. trust me iam mad and i wanne be in the game.
ive been doin it for couple of years mostly RnB and Hip Hop. I do everything Garage,Rap,Mc,3styler you name it ill do it. Hey give me a chance n all show wot i can do.ive already got three album as demo.
you look up on me. ill look up in you trust me ill be your money making machine. i roll fast as wolf. thats why iam called wolf maxyyy i creat beats,write lyrics i create my own tunes in my own studio in 2 days iam 100
Hi! Thanks for asking how I'm doing out there. I'm doing alright thanks for asking.
I'm very pleased to hear that you're looking for a record deal. If I was looking for a record deal, killing it and smashing it is just what I'd do too, so I think you're on the right track. Garaga and rap is good, but 3styler, well I think that might be a bit last minute bro. But if you can creat beats and bust your own tunes then you're probably onto a winner. Well you would be if you weren't 100. All the good bro's are just a bit younger than that.
Date: 28 April 2005
tim westwood is the real gangsta!
Yep. He held me up at gun-point on the highway yesterday. Thankfully my car managed to outpace his horse.
Oh hang on. That was a highway man. Gangsta. Er. Those are the people with the tommy guns in the violin cases aren't they? Don't think I've ever seen Westwood with one of them. To say otherwise would be potentially very legally dubious indeed. So I won't.
Bods's Tech Support Line
Date: 29 April 2005
where can I find my e-mail box
In the hood mate. Oh, hang on. New theme. Right, just bear with me a moment whilst I get into my gormless script-reading technical support mode...
Have you tried turning it off and on again? That should help. Sorted. Respect due.
Bods's World of Sport
Date: 16 May 2005
I just wondered if your cameras caught Patrick Kluivert's final action as he left the field for the last time after Newcastle United's final game of the season on Sunday. It was to turn and spit on the turf. Good riddance to him I say!!
Well actually I have only one camera. And wouldn't you know it? It was at Kew Gardens that day. Thankfully my main man taped it for me on one of those video things. He was busted on that one. I've no idea really who he is, but I'm glad I'll never have to see him again.
Bods's really getting scared now...
Date: 31 August 2005
You had an story regarding two pug dog lovers from Sunderland marrying and having their dogs as bridesmaids. I am desperate to find a pug breeder in the north east and would like to know if i can contact them somehow.
Look, I'm just getting frankly scared now. Mind you, on the other hand, dog bridesmaids probably are less hassle in the long run. I mean, think of the benefits. They're not going to need expensive dresses, they're not going to complain that they're wearing the "wrong" colour. And they're not going to get drunk and snog the Best Man under the table whilst everyone else is on the dance floor.
Hmm. Perhaps there is something in this after all...
Bods's Happy Punters
Date: 19 August 2005
Good. I'm very happy.
Career Advice from the master
Date: 27 August 2005
i am wondering how to embark on a career as a newsreader. i have not worked in the media industry before but in the public sector. however i am looking to change my career. please advise.
Well what I'd suggest is pretty simple and it's a technique many have used before.
Basically you want to pop over to your local TV studios. Now they tend to have some security guards on reception. Basically run right past them, following the big signs marked "To the Studio". Some minor TV minions will try and stop you, but basically tell them you're a star and demand a cup of tea.
When you get to the studio, handcuff yourself to the desk and try and get Nicholas Witchell to bop you on the head. Next thing you know, you'll be a newsreader on News 24 - guaranteed.
Link to Bods. And his big shed
Date: 4 May 2005
I took a look at your site a couple of hours ago... and I want to tell you that I'd really love to trade links with you. I think your site has some really good stuff related to my site's topic of sheds and would be a great resource for my visitors as it deals with some great aspects of sheds that I'd like to give my visitors more information about.
In fact, I went ahead and added your site to my Sheds Resource Directory at [URL removed]
Is that OK with you?
Well I was thinking about it, but then I noticed that he was trying to sell PVC sheds with plastic bevelled windows, and everyone knows that all true sheds should be made out of wood and treated with a nice stain and weather protector. I mean the PVC ones don't even allow you to put up your own little gingham checked curtains up, and a shed isn't a shed without such homely touches...
There's always a batch of archived Letters to the Editor elsewhere on this site...