Yes it's January. Christmas is over. We're all too heavy. We've all drunk too much. And now there's nothing to look forward to. Well unless you're my dad and sister who both share the same birthday at the beginning of February anyway...
So as there's nothing really to do in January, I thought I'd take that chance to sort out my inbox and answer all the emails that have been building up over the last twelve months!
Or two years as it actually turns out...
I really must sort out my emails better...
Im a rapper
From: 10 sec
Sent: 30 December 2007
yo man im a rapper wit my boyz cj, half pint, and yung c n dat waz sum of tha dumbest shit ive eva read r u even a wanna b rapper or r u just sum white boy tryen 2 make up sum shit 2 try 2 c how many dumb asses will try ur advise pce
Well I'm not quite with the yoot as I used to be, however my hommie skills are still pretty good. However if yours are a little rusty, here's a translation.
"What ho sir! For your information, I am a purveyor of spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics, which I place on top of a strong rhythmic accompianment. I do this with some mighty good chaps, CJ, Half Pint and Yung CN.
"Sir, I read your epistle offering advice and information on how a layman can also be a purveyor of spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics placed over a strong rhythmic accompianment, and I must confess to being bitterly disappointed. Have you ever spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics? Are you a caucasion male who is trying to mislead the general public that you have greater skills in the chanting arena than you actually have? You, sir, are not a gentleman and many a poor fool will fall for your evil endevours."
To which one can only reply...
"Bro. I is livin' it real in the massive. Respect."
Where, oh where?
Sent: 20 March 2008
Could you please tell me where Dr bedi salsa class was held lastnight as we are lokking to join one that is local.We live in Hebburn
Well Chris, it's a bit late now however I believe it was held in the nearby town of Audrey.
Sent: 1 November 2008
im 23 me an all my m8s want u back on radio 1. PURE CLASS!!
You're 23 and you write "m8s" in an email instead of typing "mates"? I mean it saves typing a whopping TWO characters that way AND you don't even need to because it's a bloomin' computer keyboard!
Oh the humanity....
"Am totally discusted"
From: Barry from Gateshead
Sent: 15 December 2008
I have today been to watch my chlds school play I was greatfull for all the childrens effort but am totally discusted that there was no traditional Away in a Major bur ar forced to do a play about Baboushka it was a total shambles to this countrys tradion.
Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!
Not sure what the play was about Babooshka was all about. After all, the Kate Bush song was all about a woman wanting to test her husband's faithfulness and that really doesn't sound very good for young children.
Of course a Babushka is also a headscalf tied below the chin, the alias of a Russian revolutionary or a set of those Russian doll things. None of which are anywhere near as a festive as "Away in a Major" which is, of course, the truly festive and seasonal story of a woman who went off with an army Major. The rest can stay in your imagination, for all you people with dirty minds...
Do you flash the cash?
Sent: 6 May 2004
Are you living a champagne lifestyle Е. On beer money?
Do you flash the cash ЕЕ but up to your eyeballs in debt?
If you are aged between 21 and 35 and have left home then the BBC wants to hear from you.
Please call our freephone number [number removed] and rememer to leave your name and number!
No, no. No and no. Yes and yes. No.
Big Cat Sighting in Gosforth!
Sent: 12 April 1006
Traveling North on A1 through Gosforth i am 99% sure i sighted a big black cat walking across a field. Field was just before Hioliday Inn sliproad, however when we turned and went back for another look it had gone. I dont know if im talking craziness here, but i promise i had not been drinking, and am sure of what i saw.
Black cat? Are you sure it wasn't witches? And are you sure you weren't drinking? If not, you'd be very dehydrated. You really must try and get some fluids in you every now and then!
Worlds biggest fan!!
Sent: 16 March 2006
you held a competition on wednesday to meet girls aloud. we missed this but can you arrange to email us the details or better still for sarah-louise to meet them as she is the worlds biggest fan!! yours hopefully
Are you still hoping? Are you sure Sarah-Louise is really their biggest fan? Well we'll soon find out!
The details you've been waiting for are here! All you have to do is email the answer to this easy question!
It's really simple!
Just tell us the names of everyone in Girls Aloud!
Yes, it really is that easy! Just email us your answer and if your name gets plucked out of Bods's Big Hat of Winningness you could be meeting them!
Just get your entry in before 21 March 2006 and you'll be away! Sarah-Louise better really had be a big fan to win this one!
Sent: 8 May 2006
I need the details for the contest to win the signed Boro football shirt please.
Have you met Sarah-Louise? She's trying to invent time travel I believe. Might be worth getting in touch.
Sent: 5 April 2007
why, is there no sound engineer on your program, your program sounds 1970 sounds.
Really? 1970 sounds? I was actually aiming for 1960s. Sarah-Louise - after you with that time machine!
All the best
Sent: 5 June 2006
Just a brief get well. Remember pushing Doves barrow around Willington Quay and Howdon for nine bob a week between us? From 46 George Street, all the best.
No, doesn't ring a bell. For starters I've never been to Willington Quay. Now if you said Newquay, well that wouldn't help either as I've never actually been there. But at least I've actually heard of Newquay...
Some letters replaced by stars for the sake of our younger readers
Sent: 11 July 2006
gnit b**** this 50cent b**** f*** the crips b**** is that a good beginning and what shold my name be
I'd stick with Sydney if I was you...
Some brain cells replaced by hashes for the sake of our readers sanity
Sent: 24 September 2006
how do i submit my photos to be shown on the weather page please?
There are many ways. You could write. You could fax. You could email. You could even transmit them by the sheer power of your mind alone.
But it will all be pointless as the Weather page has gone on strike and won't be appearing until it gets a nice picture of a sunset.
Some brain cells protected by valuable lessons on staying alive
Sent: 20 February 2007
i think they should add safety on the roads to our education then at least it will show us what to do and what not to do i think it's a good idea and I think others will aswell
Green Cross Code anyone? Go, get that bloke who portrayed Darth Vader to stand on pavements again!
Some brain cells never present
Sent: 3 October 2007
If you want do delete your site from our spam bases - just email us with domain of your site: [email address deleted]
Oooh yes! That's a good idea! I'll do that immediately! Would you like my bank account numbers and online banking passwords as well? Do you sell v!agra as well? Or hacked versions of Windows? Where do I sign up for more?!!!
Invaders must die
Sent: 19 August 2007
b=for being nice to her mum and her sister yasemin and trying not to swear.
Indeed. Well done.
And one final word...
From: MC Inferno
Andrew Bowden is a c***. That is all.
And on that bombshell, it's time to wrap this up for another batch. And as you may have noticed, next to none of these came from 2009. That's because I just don't get as much email as I used to... Which is perhaps, no bad thing...