Hello, and welcome to number two of Corporal Punishment, and we start this issue with news of a teacher, we shall call him 'Uncle Grant', who is subjecting his pupils to physical torture by making them practise the 'Good Bunny' and by threatening them with the infamous 'Flat Dick Experiment'.
What am I saying??? Whack me over the head with every volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica! (Ouch!) This is Corporal Punishment, which has nought to do with Uncle Grant clouting people and demonstrating the 'Double Nipple Lift'.
It's your collection of stuff, that you wouldn't find anywhere else, probably because Hydra is the only magazine stupid enough to publish it! And now with added sarcasm for that extra twist!
Do you know what interests me? Stamps, coins, buses...
Research by an American consumer association has made a startling discovery.
If you made full size replicas of the American Barbie and British Sindy, then Sindy would have a 32" bust, whereas Babs would sport proportions of 47 inches! No wonder that American girls and women are obsessed by 'improving' their bodies by plastic surgery and implants.
And having to look up to role models like Barbie, no wonder half of the citizens of the USA are consulting shrinks. They can't cope with having someone who looks better than them, even if it is only a plastic doll!
Run for your lives, another strenuous link time!
Talking about large proportions, as you do, The Beautiful South wrote and sang a song called 36D (all about prostitutes, and asking why don't they use their brains and get out of that profession), which appears on the band's greatest hits album, Carry On Up The Charts (look out for the limited edition double CD edition, there are some great extra tracks on it!)
The collection is very aptly titled though, as it got to number one in the album charts and stayed there for quite some time. Odd though when you consider that their singles have never done very well in the charts. Personally I can't remember one ever getting anywhere close to the number one slot.
Saying that, perhaps all their fans are like me, and don't buy the singles, but rush out to the shops when the compilation appears.
Do you know what bores me? History, Psychology, Roland Bushell...
Some top advertising bloke recently said on the Radio 5 Live show 'The Ad Break' (was on Sundays, 2.05pm, but it has finished now) that bad advertising campaigns would soon get shelved.
Unfortunately this isn't true, as the Corporal has found out.
For example, the Ferro Rocher advert with the ambassador's good taste (yeah right, more like cheapskate. Are you telling me that by serving a naff chocolate at my dinner parties, women are going to come up to me and tell me that I am spoiling them? In your dreams, skinflint) is still running (but wait - they have changed the music to a new 'synth sounding' version!!!), and that exceptionally bad Kinder Surprise advert, which has those two horrible children and a stupid mum in it (you know the one, the mum goes "I'll bring you a little something. What would you like?" The boys goes "I'd like something exciting and a toy." and this stupid girl goes "And some chocolate!" Then stupid mum goes "But it's not possible! Its not!") is still being shown, even if it is only occasionally.
The creator of that advert should be shot. Twice, to make sure. Or even better, forced to watch their creation, 24 hours a day. Best form of torture ever. So ner.
Valentine's Day was covered in great depth last issue, but I found this out too late to be included in the February issue, but it is still relevant, even at Easter!
Apparently we celebrate Saint Valentine's day on the day of Saint Valentine of Rome (who himself is no longer a saint according to the a ruling by the Pope in the early eighties).
However, a Professor Kelly spent eight years researching the subject (prat) and has made a startling discovery! It wasn't Saint Valentine of Rome who sent the first Valentine's card but Saint Valentine of Genoa, who's saints day is in May!
So, if like me, you didn't receive any cards , just wait a few weeks, and you may see some little envelopes passing through your doors with nice cards. Well. We can hope. Do you know what irritates me? New woolly jumper on me bare back...
(Adopt Nick Ross voice) Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and didn't know where to find them. Where you in the area? Or did you see a large spider sit beside her, while Little Miss Muffet was eating her curds and whey? If you have any information about these and the rest of tonight's stories, please call.
So the end is near, as we face the final curtain. I'm off to my personal sanatorium. There are rumours that the Corporal is to be axed, and replaced by Charlie and His Pigeon And Sheep Corner. Sounds exciting (well that's debatable, but if you are confused at this remark, it's a private joke, but needless to say, Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon, Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had!).
Keep young and beautiful! The daffodils look lovely today! Quick and easy space filler coming up: ****** FILLER ******. Bye from Bods.
Know what scares me? Someone going BLAAAAHHHH down me ear hole...
I'll come clean. The whole 'Do you know what...' joke was a complete rip off from Mark Radcliffe who spent a night tagging them at the end of everything he said on one of his late night Radio 1 shows. Ah those were the days...