The Hydra Files Rant 'n' Rave: Deodrant Free Zone

They said it could never happen. But it did. They said it could never happen again, but hey, it has. Bods is back, with another dollop of Rant 'n' Rave, where I witter on about somet that annoys me. For example, Steve Penk. Unfortunately, while I could easily fill a page about him, it would be almost as bad as one of his shows, so I have plumped for the plucky subject of 'The Presents Us Blokes Get'. And, in some much sense of the word, why not???

So, what did you get for your birthday? That new Cranberries album? A fiver so you could buy something that you would like, as the person who gave it to you couldn't be arsed thinking up of something to give to you? No, me neither. Yes, you guessed it, I got two years worth of deodorant, talc and shower gel, and for once, it wasn't all Lynx!

Why, whenever it is a blokes birthday, can everyone guess that they will get nought that they want, but will get 200 cans of Lynx Alaska deodorant instead? Every birthday, every Christmas, it's the same, another huge box full of black metal canisters takes up shelf space in your bathroom cabinet. There isn't even any variety between the brands of deodorant you get given. In 9 times out of 10, for some unknown reason, it's Lynx.

Even worse is when someone gives you a bottle of shower gel, without deodorant. Again, its usually Lynx. But, why does the shower gel never match up to a can of deodorant you have? Why do you get Lynx Nevada Shower Gel, but you have umpteen bottles of the Alaska deodorant variety?

The ultimate deodorant question is, why do you never get those nice stick deodorants, but always the spray can variety?

Or even worse, the roll-ons, which makes your armpits sticky for five minutes, so you have to hold your arms up to help it dry, so that your arm doesn't get glued onto the rest of your body, so that you have to have another wash, even though you put the deodorant on after having a wash, which you had, in order to stop your armpits from being sticky after you put on the first batch of deodorant (did you follow that?)

Deodorant has to be the number one worst present. Coming number two though, has to be socks. And manufacturers can think up some great 'socky' combinations can't they?

For Crimbo, I got a Dennis The Menace mug, and a pair of socks. How the hell did they come up with that one? Where is the logic in putting a pair of socks with a cup? But wait, we have found a combination even worse. A well known sports company has marketed a great combo: a pair of socks, and, wait for it... a can of deodorant!!! Which plonker dreamt that up? The two worst presents possible to give to anybody, rolled into one handy gift idea! What a prat.

The answer to why us men get such crap gifts lies in the fact, that as mothers and aunts everywhere will tell you, men are just so difficult to buy for! Really!

Personally I have lots of hobbies. I'm a great music fan and always want to extend my 70 strong CD collection by a few more, and I would be more than happy to tell anyone the latest single that I would like. Even better, one which many of us, I doubt not, would prefer, give us the cash! At least that way men all over the world could get something that they want, instead of the mass of tin and steel they get now.

The problem is that when giving money, people are under the misapprehension that is shows no kind of thought on the part of the giver. This is, of course, the complete opposite of the truth, as by sending the old Dwain Eddies, you are showing more thought by considering the fact that the recipient may not actually want another can of Bloggos Deodorant Spray, and that by sending money, they can get what they want.

After all, if someone sends you a pile of cash, you're not likely to rush out and buy a load of crap that you don't really want, for the sheer fact that it is the sort of stuff you'd normally get sent for your birthday if you weren't sent the money, would you? No, you'd treat yourself to that new Jive Bunny CD, or the Danny Baker's Golden Goals video, because you want them.

So wise up people. Let's show some thought and consideration. No Lynx. No Cussons Shower Gel. Let's say Yes to cash and Our Price gift vouchers. Let's put some thought into those presents. Let's have something different and interesting. Let's keep deodorant and socks on the shelves next Christmas. And remember, if you don't know what to get, just ask. Simple eh? Even Roland Bushell could understand the concept.

Bods, the so called author of this piece of work is a world renowned expert on the subject of deodorant and socks, having received them on many birthdays and Christmases. He estimates that if he never got another can of deodorant in his life, then he has enough in stock to last until 2010, and still has a roll on deodorant from about five years ago.

In Easter 1995 Edition


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