Like the soldier picture?? Great, eh? Well it was the best I could find in the two seconds I spent searching my extensive selection of naff computer art.
Anyway, I digress, welcome to Corporal Punishment, and no, it has nought to do with whacking small children with huge lumps of wood.
It's a collection of bits and bats that is the hottest thing in Albania since they got Cumberland Sausages, translated into English by an insomniac who can't spell, very late at night (it's currently half past eight! I should have been in bed hours ago) with a liberal sprinkling of over people's catch phrases thrown in for good measure.
And there's a prize if you can name each catch phrases owner. So ner.
Lock your doors and run for your lives. Forget double glazing salesmen and now start avoiding music company reps, who will soon be knocking on your doors to ask you your wise pearls of wisdom about the music industry.
BMG, parent company of RCA and Arista, which in turn are the homes for such great bands as Take That (sarcasm mode) and Crash test Dummies (sarcasm mode cancel) are asking everybody who sends those little questionnaire cards you find in singles (you know the ones, they have questions like 'What single did you get this card with?', and once you send them off, you are bombarded with record company crap for the rest of eternity) if you mind having a 'personal interview' to tell BMG what music you like, so that they can return to London and completely ignore your views and sign up 2-Unlimited for a ten album deal.
Of course it won't be long before Sony, EMI and co are getting in the act and record company reps become the new vermin of those annoying people knocking on your door. Stuff Ultra Glazing company. That's tame stuff, when Bloomin' Good Records start walking down your street, it's time to emigrate. You know it makes sense.
Speaking of the Crash Test Dummies, they didn't play at Woodstock 94, but phenomenally successful Irish band The Cranberries did (who wrote this crap??)
The Cranberries have really taken off in the States, but that does have to be expected owing to the fact that, and indeed of course, all Americans are descended from the Irish, which is why Dwight Junior XXI whose family were on the Mayflower, is so keenly hogging his stool in the Irish Nationals Bar.
Of course, since the World Cup, every football loving Brit has also uncovered their links with the Irish (and why not?) Those social outcasts who failed to find their relatives in Eire must have been wishing Ireland had never had independence.
And, from the palace of glittering delights, much later then everyone else I'm sure, but here's the Corporal's list of 'things we had in 1994 we don't want in 1995'. Catchy eh?
First up Whigfield and that stupid dance, and even worse, that Black Duck song that uses Saturday Night as its basis but sticks a bit of rap on top about wiggling in line. Highly original, and definitely the best song of 94, not..
Secondly, John Major (need I say more?). Thirdly Tony 'you won't see a smile on my face' Blair. Fourth, those horrible cheap paper Christmas cards that don't stand up properly and look crap.
And finally, in true Trevor MacDonald tradition, Roland Bushell. It's a private joke, and to all those who understand it, need I say more?
But, should you be baffled and bemused, substitute for the wonderful Mr Bushell, this: naff pantomime scenery. Yes folks, the laugh at that one on the day was HUGE! Yes indeedy.
Some explanation (please remember it was 1994 and I was young and naive!)
Firstly I went to school with Roland Bushell. I went to a different sixth form to him. I ended up being unnecessarily cruel about him in Hydra a few times.
Secondly - the pantomime scenary. Clutching at straws this one. Basically during the 1994 college pantomime, the scenery fell down. Hilarious.
Thirdly it has to be said. No one even entered the competition, yet alone claimed the prize.