Committed into the Asylum by Bods.
Hello, and welcome to the third exciting instalment of Corporal Punishment. A collection of gubbins that is mildly interesting to a girl called Emma, which is the sole reason why I write it. Who Emma is, I know not, but she got someone to pass a note onto me via about 300 over people, and it went 'Corporal Punishment is all right, I suppose'. What a critic.
First off, we have in the Corporal office, the results of a survey all about Des Lynham. Two hundred girls at this here college, were asked by our researchers a simple question. 'Do you think Des Lynham is a) sex on a stick, b) kind of cute, c) all right, I suppose, d) sad when he presents 'How Do They Do That?', or e) an utter loser.
The results of this survey are shown above, in the nice pie chart thing.
Quite amazingly, 12 girls in this college believe that Des Lynham is Sex On A Stick. Now, may I be impertinent and ask, what are these people on? But, perhaps a much better question would be, what where the editors on when they commissioned this research? What am I on when I write half this rubbish? All I can say is, do not disturb. I'm quite disturbed enough already, thank you...
Competition time! Win a bar of Dairy Milk if you can tell us the names of as many people as possible, who think Des Lynham is 'Sex On A Stick'. Put names and tutor groups on a postcard and send it to me. The address is: I'm a sad git for compiling this list, just for a bar of smeggin chocolate, Hydra, Hyde Clarendon College, Clarendon Road, Hyde, Cheshire.
Flicking through Hydra must be a nightmare for people who don't like sarcasm, but for sarccy fans, where can you get your fill when we ain't here? Well, according to research., done by me, there ain't any sarcastic mags widely available, though FHM (For Him Magazine) is rather funny, even though it tries to be very serious.
For those not in the know, FHM is the male version of Women's Weekly, but without knitting patterns (major # league bummer!) It's for all you blokes who don't want to read Air Rifle Monthly, or Male Macho Sporting Pursuits, and aimed at those men who secretly read women's mags.
But that's enough of setting the scene, 'cos I've just got to mention an article in the April edition, called 100 Ways To Impress A Woman. Amazing words of wisdom like 'Don't Lie' which was followed up with 'Lie'.
My personal favourite was the following though. 'Be sensitive when your girlfriend suddenly turns into Freddy Crugar at the beginning of her period.'
Sorry, but how can you be sensitive to somebody who is trying to kill you with razor blades attached to her gloves? Or who is sucking you into your bed? Or even throwing people around the room, and slicing open all their arteries, so that the room is filled with blood? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
So how do spell New York? Well personally, I'd spell it, the way I just have done, but upon listening to the radio, one evening (Mark Radcliffe naturally), in a song, a bloke called John was asked how he would spell New York.
He answered in the same way, but Jack (Jack and John sound exactly the same by the way) replied the that the way you spell New York is "a knife, a fork, a bottle and a cork. That's how we spell New York." Well sorry Jack but that spells AKAFABAAC which is nothing like New York now is it?
Not surprisingly, the song was called Cocaine On My Brain, which must be the best Anti-drugs advert I've ever heard. Obviously not one to cash in, Jack released Marijuana On My Brain seven years later...
So that's it. That's as much rubbish as I could come up with. Hello to Uncle Grant, and I'll leave you with these wise words: 43% of all statistics are useless. Or for Jacko: Statistics is useless. Thanking you very muchly.
For those who want to know, the Mark Radcliffe programme is on BBC Radio One FM Mondays to Thursdays 10pm-Midnight. Mark Radcliffe also presented top Channel 4 music prog, The White Room. And I've got a signed photo of him. Bet you are all extremely jealous, aren't you? Well maybe not.
I'm sure the whole Des Lynham thing was based on something else I'd seen or heard. Or at least I hope it was. I don't recall, but to be honest, I'd be very worried if that was just the work of my imagination...
And if, for any reason, Cocaine On My Brain sounds familiar, well you may well own Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas where it featured on the soundtrack on station KJAH-West.