Negbores Episode 8

<Theme Music. Then Danni whacks Armitage over the head with a vase. The sparks turn green and he screams. Bouncer runs in, despite the fact that she was run over years ago, and knocks Armitage over. Armiatge disappears in a puff of smoke. Loo stands up, unscathed. He dusts himself down.>

Brush: Phew. That was a close one.

<In the shed, Helen is still kidnapped. Do keep up. The unseen voice is still unseen.>

Unseen Voice: Argh <Cut to Martin Daniels who is showing Helen a card trick> Argh! ARGH!!!

Martin: What is it?

Unseen Voice: Someone has destroyed part of... the... DARK SIDE...

<There is a major piece of dramatic music.>

Martin: <Casually> Oh, is that all?

Unseen Voice: Whadya mean, is that all?

Martin: Well it's not very important is it?

Unseen Voice: <Shrieks!> NOT IMPORTANT? NOT IMPORTANT??? We're trying to conquer the world and you declare that the destruction of part of the dark side is NOT IMPORTANT? What about this paintbrush? Is this NOT IMPORTANT? <Throws paintbrish down on ground dramatically, It lands near Helen> WELL???

Martin: Look we can still conquer the world. Just get my mum to do a card trick and the entire world will submit!

<Cut to Helen who is tied to her chair but is trying to get it to fall over so she can pick up the paintbrush. We hear Martin and the Unseen Voice arguing as she struggles.>

Unseen Voice: We can't do it purely with your mother.

Martin: Well I'll get me dad to help! Little bit of not a lot here and there!

Unseen Voice: Hmm... Well... Maybe...

<Having managed to pick it up, Helen stabs Martin Daniels with her paintbrush. He screams and disappears. The acrid smoke fills the room.>

Helen: <Talking through her gag> NOW GIVE ME AN EASEL!

<Cut to Harold Wilson and Loo Carpenters-Record talking>

Loo: And so he just disappeared. Very strange.

Harold: Acrid smoke you say... You know, I smelt that the other day in our house. Madge claimed it was coming from me but I was sure it was near her...

<Harold Wilson is in fact, for those who missed this bit, a corpse. The former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is in fact dead, and hence cheaper than Harold Bishop. Cut to No.30. Jack Daniels and Ben Eagles have been joined by Glen. Glen Fiddich. They get in the car.>

Glen: Yeah! Some surf would be great!

Ben: C'mon! It won't take long!

<They drive off, music blaring. A police car picks them up eventually and sounds its sirens. Dramatic music plays.>

Jack: Oh bugger.

<Theme music plays constantly and annoyingly>

Behind the Scenes

The old Unseen Voice gambit often happens in soap operas as a way of building suspense. And sometimes they really milked it. So I decided to milk it and then some here.

Having Martin Daniels as evil was also one of my favourite touches, although I'm sure he's a lovely bloke really.

By this stage however, given the obvious Star Wars references, one wonders whether the author is beginning to run out of ideas...


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