Sketches 15 Minute Star Trek Generations

Kirk and Picard Here at Planet Bods, we know how it is. Sometimes you just can't be bothered to sit down and watch that film... And yet, if you don't, you'll miss out on the cinematic delight. Well we have the solution for you, as we bring you the bare essentials of Star Trek Generations.

Yep. No waffle. No wittering. Just the bare plot - the essential parts of the story. Presented in a style like you've never seen before...

<On the Enterprise B bridge>

Kirk: Hello. I'm Captain Kirk? So this is the new Enterprise eh?

Captain: Yep but if anything goes wrong, we're screwed cos nothing will be here until Tuesday.

Helmsman: Argh! Captain! It's all gone wrong. Those people are going to get sucked in to that big squiggly thing in space!

Captain: But nothing arrives til Tuesday!

Kirk: Well there is nothing for it but for me to needlessly sacrifice myself for these people.

<Cargo bay - full of people>

Mad Man: I've got to get back

Checkov: No! You're safe! You just sit down over there.

Mad Man: Oh. Okay then.

<Cut to Bridge>

Someone: The ribbon! It's destroyed half the ship

Captain: Shit! A brand new ship pointlessly ruined.

Scotty: Oh and Captain Kirk is dead!

Captain: Good. He was a terrible actor. I wanted to star with Spock. Now he had style...

<78 years later, ship in ocean>

Picard: Lieutenant Worf! You are promoted to Lieutenant Commander, mainly cos of your dillegence to duty and your complete inability to actually come up with any good suggestions when we need them.

Riker: Right! Push him in the water.

<There is much cheering.>

Data: Hmm. Is that funny? Okay!

<Pushes Beverly in the water. Silence.>

Geordie: Data, that was not funny.

Voice: <over tannoy> Captain! Everyone you love is dead!

Picard: Bugger.

Riker: Lets have fun!

Voice: <over tannoy>Holodeck, we've got someone attacking someone else.

Riker: Lets go kick some ass!!

<Cut to Bridge>

Riker: Confound it! This maritime uniform is too tight!

Picard: Someone is being killed on that place down there. Get changed and go and see what is going on.

Riker: Cool. Can I put on my new uniform? About the only people not wearing them are the senior officers!

<On place in space near some moon or other.>

Riker: Egad! What went on here?

Data: Look! <Points to some green muck>

Riker: Romulans...

Geordie: Wye aye man! Life signs!

Riker: Quick! Throw all this rubble about the room. There's someone trapped.

Mad Man: Urgh.

Riker: Lets get him back to the ship!

<Cut to Captian's Ready Room.>

Troi: Are you alright Captain?

Picard: Yes. Fine.

Troi: Right. Okay then.

<Data's Room>

Data: I don't understand funny. I need that emotion chip.

Geordie: Oh. Okay. I'll put it in.

<10 Forward>

Woman: Beer please!

Picard: Hello Mad Man. You wanted to see me.

Mad Man: Yes. I must get back now.

Picard: No.

Mad Man: Oh please! It's urgent.

Picard: I don't care. Bye.

Guinan: There woman. Beer.

<Back on strange place>

Geordie: Look! There's a hidden door!

Data: Ha ha ha ha.

Geordie: Hey, look at these things.

Data: Ha ha ha ha.

Mad Man: You will die.

Data: Argh! I've cacked me pants.

Mad Man: You come with me, Geordie.

<On a Klingon Ship>

Klingon 1: You give us the weapon.

Mad Man: No.

Klingon 2: Yes.

Mad Man: Oh. Okay. Here is the info. You can decrypt it later. Now go to the planet...

<Ship goes off. Cut to Stella Artois Cartography>

Picard: What is he doing.

Data: I don't know.

Picard: Do something impressive with some graphics.

Data: I can't. I cacked me pants down there. I want to be turned off.

Picard: No. Sit down, stop wasting time and DO SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE WITH GRAPHICS!

Data: <sniffs>Just trying to make my character more interesting... Anyway, look, this is some graphics.

Picard: Oh no! The mad man is going to destroy a whole sun and lots of planets and millions of people just so he can get back into that ribbon thing! <Bridge. Picard runs on>

Picard: Set a course to that planet! And look out for a Klingon Ship!

<A few seconds later>

Riker We're here!

Picard: Where is that Klingon ship? Hail them!

Worf: They're de-cloaking. Opening comms.

Picard: Give me Geordie back!

Klingon 1: No!

Picard: Well, prisoner exchange then?

Klingon 2: Hmm. Okay then. Who?

Data: <quiet as if he doesn't really want to go at all> Me.

Picard: ME! Now beam me to the surface where that mad man is.

Klingon 1: Hmpf. Fine. Bog off then.

<Picard beams to surface of hostile looking planet. Mad Man runs about a bit. Picard walks a bit and hits a forcefield.>

Picard: Ouch!

Mad Man: Ha ha.

<Klingon ship>

Klingon 1: Ha-ha! With the secret camera we installed in Geordie's visor, we can find out how to destroy the Enterprise.

Klingon 2: Look! There's the info. Lets use it!

Klingon 1: Destroy them!


Worf: Our shields have been penetrated!

Riker: Oooer! Saucy!

<Explosion followed by random people being thrown across the bridge.>

Riker: Bugger. I've only just got this new uniform and now it's going to get dirty!

<Planet. Picard rolls around on some rocks for a bit>

Picard: Bugger. I've only just got this new uniform and now it's going to get dirty! Oh look. A hole in the rock where the forcefield doesn't reach. How convienent.

<Bridge. More random people get thrown about the bridge>

Riker: Arse! No one is at helm. Hang on. You. Get over there. No hang on! You're too qualified. In times like this you need a ships councillor to navigate the ship! Troi - get too it!

Troi: Yes sir!

Riker: Mr Worf! Do something amazing revolving around manipulating faulty Klingon star ship design, cloaking devices and then give them all you've got!

Worf: Yes Sir! Now you're talking my language.

Data: Enemy ship cloaked sir.

Worf: Lots of guns fired, ship destroyed!

Data: Yeeeehhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!

<Picard on Planet.>

Picard: Argh. Some rocks have fallen on me.

<Mad Man shoots at rocks round Picard but conviently doesn't actually hit Picard, just the rocks.>


Geordie: Buggery bollocks. There's some gas coming out! C'mon, we've got to get out of here!


Riker: Arse. All hands, prepare to get everyone into this bit and prepare for cup and saucer separation!


Geordie: Hey, you kid, come with me. And drop that teddy bear. Now move! Move!


Worf: Bugger. I didn't even get chance to change into my new uniform and now it will be destroyed! Oh well, I'll get one when I join Deep Space Nine next week.

<Up a tube>

Geordie: Wye aye C'pn. We're all out like man!



<Other bit of ship explodes, everyone looks depressed, top bit of ship hurtles towards planet and destroys some trees. People get thrown about a bit then they don't. Then everyone looks at a hole in the roof... Cut to Planet. Picard jumps down in front of Mad Man.>

Picard: Stop it.

Mad Man: No.

Picard: Oh go on. Please....

<Big wobbly thing appears in sky. Mad Man presses a button. Rocket appears and hits something. Random special effects and much destruction of things.>

Picard: Shit.

<Picard and Mad Man get pulled into Wobbly Thing. Everything goes black. All die. Except Picard who is in the Wobbly thing. Annoying kids in silly clothes stand twirling Picard round who is blindfolded.>

Picard: Argh. Bollocks. I feel sick.

Kid 1: Ha ha.

<Picard pulls off blindfold.>

Kid 2: Thwank wou for my dolly daddy. Shwe's luwvly.

Woman: Hey, dinner is ready!

Picard: Yum I'm starving. Hang on. I don't have any kids.

Guinan: <mysteriously appears> Hello. Welcome to the wobbly thing. Now if you'll just read this 'Welcome To The Wobbly Thing - An Information Pack For New People' all will be explained...

Picard: Oh I can't be arsed with that. What is this place?

Guinan: It's the wobbly thing. It's like Heaven but without any angels or anything. You'll never want to leave cos its so good.

Picard: Oh. Okay. I'll stay. Hang on. People were going to die. I must go back and save them.

Guinan: But you're not supposed to want to leave.

Picard: Bollocks to that! Come with me and help me stop that scum bag Mad Man from killing a pre-industrial civilisation that I've neither seen nor heard of ever before.

Guinan: I cannot. I have to be rescued 78 years ago. But there's a fat, balding, bad actor from the original series just down the road chopping wood who may.

<Cut to chopping wood incident>

Kirk: Ho hum. Chopping wood.

Picard: You don't belong here you know.

Kirk: Ack, who cares?

Picard: Me.

Kirk: Oh, okay then. Lets get on a horse and go riding.

Picard: Okay.

<On a hill.>

Kirk: So none of this is real?

Picard: Nope.

Kirk: Argh, sod that. Lets go back and save people.

Picard: Brutal.

<Return to Planet. Mad Man wanders round a bit. Kirk stands in front of him, Picard behind.>

Kirk: Should we kill him now?

Picard: No. If we do that he can't try to kill us later.

Kirk: <whacks man in face> Oh bollocks to that. It's too much hassle. Lets just do him in now.

<Punches Mad Man and throws him off a cliff.>

Picard: Argh! We've got to get that black box that he's dropped. Look. It's stuck on that gantry that's about to collapse.

Kirk: I'll go! You go and press some keys on that computer and avert the impending doom!Picard: Whatcha!

<Picard runs off. Cut to Kirk on gantry.>


Kirk: Bugger. It's about to break.

<Everything falls over. Kirk falls on top of the box, hitting the right button with his bum as he lands on it then falls and the gantry lands on top of him. Cut to Picard who runs off a missile launcher gantry very fast. Cut to the box which fizzes a bit then the missle launcher gantry blows itself up just as the Mad Man manages to avert his death and
climb up to the gantry. Mad Man dies. Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, which is crash landing on the planet again...>

Riker: Oh shit! Here we go again...

<Picard wanders over to Kirk.>

Kirk: Did we save the day?

Picard: Yes.

Kirk: Right. Good. Now whatever you do, don't ever stop saving the day. Okay? Now I must die. Bye bye.

Picard: Right. Bye. I'll just bury you then shall I?

Kirk: If you wouldn't mind.

<Scenic shots of a burial ground and lots of desert.>

Picard: <Voice Over> Captain's twig. Bugger. My uniform is torn. Oh and a few people died. But not many. We're salvaging the Enterprise which dead really. Still we'll get another one...

<Cut to rubble.>

Picard: Here it is!

Riker What?

Picard: My photo album.

Riker Oh good. Lucky you. Everything I had was destroyed. <sobs>

<Cut to more rubble.>

Troi: Data! A life sign!

Data: Spot! Nice to see you old cat. I think I will now cry.

Troi: Well that's emotion chips for you! Anyone want to take Data's out and eat it, with salt and vinegar?

Everyone: <spontaneously forced laughter>

<Cue dramatic theme music!>

Background Information

This was supposed to be the first of many Star Trek film synopsis things. But it wasn't. It didn't happen.

Ho hum.


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