<Manic, dramatic drumming music. Camera focused on mud hill. Tony leaps in front and starts talking really enthusiastically waving his arms about etc.>

Tony:

We're here! In the heart of the Gloustershire cheesemaking industry. <holds up a rock> In 1903 farmer Briggs stumbled upon this ancient <pause as he struggles for the word> ...rock! We've got just three days to uncover the mystery of whether this field was an ancient burial site, or... er... or not!

<Tony turns and strides across the field. Cut to: The Time Team (Mick, Phil, Carenza, Robin, Stewart) gathered, arguing in a huddle>

Carenza:   

Don't be ridiculous!

Mick:

I'm not! Gah!

Tony:

<Barging into the frame, out of breath after running> So Mick, what's the plan?

Mick:

Hello Tony. We're just waiting for the results of the geophys.

Stewart:

Look Mick, I've told you, I've got a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach about this ditch here, I say we just go for it!

<Geophys John enters with zimmerframe>

Mick:

Ah! John! What are the results?

John:

Just printing them out... <beeping noises. John picks up sheet of incomprehensible black and grey squares and holds it up> Well, you can see this area of high resistence here, but here quite clearly you can see this anomoly stretching down and curving round like so.

Everyone:

Mmmm.

John:

I'm a bit confused about this area here... but I think we have a ferris spike here. Either that or a pipe.

Tony:

I'm confused!

Mick:

<Oblivious to Tony> I think we should get trench one underway.

Phil:

Oo-aarr! Let's go!

<Everyone walks off in different directions. Cut to: Tony at trench one with Phil, Carenza and two students>

Tony:

We've got trench one underway, and Phil says we've already made an interesting discovery.

Phil:

<Swings pick axe - clunking noise> Oo-arr, just listen to that! Innit beautiful!

Tony:

Well there you go! Lets see what's happening in the incident room! <runs off>

<Incident room. Huddle of people around a computer. Robin standing around for no reason>

Tony:

Steve here is planning to create an intricately detailed 3D textured map of the site. What have you got so far Steve?

<shot of computer with one line across the screen>

Tony:

Great!

<Tony runs off. Shot of John walking across a field with single geophys thing. Shot of Tony running across to trench one. Scraping noises>

Tony:

I can see Victor here, our resident artist, scribbling away attempting to recreate the landscape as it would have looked years ago. Can we see so far, Victor?

Victor:

No.

Tony:

Oh.

<Phil stands up and everyone gathers round>

Phil:

Oo-arr! Just look at that! What do you think about that Tony?

Tony:

What is it? What is it?

Phil:

Its a biro! <Holds up biro>

Carenza:

We've got to send this off to the Birochronologist for research.

Tony:

I'm confused.

Phil:

<Laughs> Warrgh! Tony! Oo-arr! Look at that! I've found the lid!

<Cheers from surrounding people. Mick enters>

Mick:

Tony, I'm going to go up in the helicopter to get an arial view of the earthworks now.

Tony:

Can I come?!

Mick:

No.

Tony:

<To camera> Well, while all this hectic activity is going on, Stewart is going to recreate the process of biro assembling as it was done in the late 1970s.

Stewart:

Tony, I don't want to do it.

Tony:

Stewart!

Stewart:

No! I want to dig this trench!

Tony:

But! B-! Gahhh! who are we going to get to do it?!!

Phil:

<appears next to Tony> Does it involve horse manure?

Tony:

Er... yeah!

Phil:

Does it involve bellows?

Tony:

Er... yeah!

Phil:

I'll do it Tony!

<Everyone walks off. Cut to: night-time. Time Team stood round campfire holding wine glasses. Tony walks on holding bottle>

Tony:

<Takes swig out of bottle> Its the end of day one and what a day its been. I don't think we've ever had such a good first day on Time Team. Mick, how's it going?

Mick:

Well Tony we're going to have to put in another trench.

Phil:

Hooray!

Tony:

So there you have it. Will we discover the ancient mysteries of the Gloustershire cheese making land? We'll be back after the break! <Abruptly strides off. Robin falls over>

<Morning. Shot of Tony walking slowly across a field looking bleary. Walks straight through trench one eating piece of toast>

Tony:

It's day two and I'm going to talk to Mick now. Mick!

Mick:

<Emerges out of trench> Hello Tony. What do you want now?

Tony:

I'm confused. I know what we're doing, but I don't know why.

Mick:

Well last night we discussed...

Carenza:

Argued!

Mick:

We discussed these concentric ridges which would have been here, we think.

Tony:

<Sprints to the spot and runs up and down waving his hands manically a foot above the ground> You mean like this?

Mick:

Erm, yes Tony.

Stewart:

The Birochronologist has just finished his research!

Tony:

To the incident room! <Runs off>

<Incident room. Group of people etc>

Tony:

Where's the Birochronologist?

Biro:

I'm here!

Tony:

What have you discovered?

Biro:

Well it's a blue ink medium nib 1972 Bic biro with a child proof lid.

Tony:

So the lid does match the biro then?

Biro:

Correct.

Tony:

Great! We can see here that Steve has done a computer reconstruction of the biro on his computer <Shot of computer with biro picture>. Great! I've just heard that there's been another find in trench one! <runs off>

<Trench one>

Tony:

<Runs in> What have you found Phil?

Phil:

Oo-arr you're not going to believe this Tony. We've found the remains of a ring pull!

Tony:

Wow! Amazing! How does this link in with the historical data?

Robin:

Well, I've found this ancient document which indicates that the Roman emperor Claudinius picnicked here in the 3rd century AD.

Tony:

Right... ok!

Phil:

Ooo-ar I've just discovered the top of the can that the ring-pull came from, Tony. Oo-arr.

Tony:

Can you tell what flavour the drink was?

Phil:

Not yet - we'll have to send it to the Can-chronologist.

Tony:

But we haven't got time! Give it here, I'll taste it! <Absentmindedly steps into trench>

Everyone:

Get out of the trench Tony!

Tony:

Er... sorry. <Climbs out>. I'll just go and see if Victor has finished his picture! <runs off>

<Shot of Tony running across the field. In the distance we catch a glimpse of a crowd of pensioners all knitting rainbow jumpers. Shot of Tony running back across the field to trench one>

Tony:

Oh, you're there! Have you finished?

Victor:

<Modestly> Well it needs a bit of touching up but I think it's ready for you to see. <Holds up picture of a house>

Tony:

What! I'm confused. Mick, help me!

Mick:

<Engrossed in conversation> Well John you've got to get some of those four inch screws for the door panel.

John:

Oh yes, you can get them from B and Q.

<Tony looks at audience in a confused manner>

Mick:

Yes that's right they're 7.99 a packet...

Tony:

CAN WE GET ON?!!!

Mick &
John: 

Err... sorry.

Tony:

The resident archaeologist here is Brian Mayfeather. So Brian, what have you managed in twenty-nine years that we haven't done in two days?

Brian:

<Weeping softly> It's so good of you to come and dig here. Now we can offer tours to the public.

Tony:

But what of? <not noticing Brian walking off> I'm confused. MICK?!!

<Phil wanders over to Tony>

Tony:

What's that smell? Oh its you Phil.

Phil:

Oo-arr Tony! I've got my reconstruction of a biro.

Tony:

Let's see!! <Phil holds up a twig roughly sharpened at one end> Great! Does it work?

Phil:

It writes in horse manure.

<Mick runs over>

Mick:

<Shouting> What is it Tony!

Tony:

Our time's nearly up! What conclusions can we draw?

Mick:

Well this site is definatly land, but what we haven't yet discovered is... well, anything really.

Tony:

But why is this place called the Gloustershire cheesemaking land? I haven't seen a place of cheese all weekend.

<Person dressed as a great big piece of cheese walks behind the group>

Tony:

Well, I guess there's some things we'll never know.

Tony:       

<to camera> We've just received news of an exiting new discovery in a small field called shot-cochlea. It appears to be the Ark of the Covenant, and I'm off to have a look.

<In a small field somewhere in North Yorkshire>

Tony:

So Mick, what have we got here.

Mick:

Well it looks like the Ark of the Covenant Tony, but what I'm interested in is the context of this find.

Phil:

God Arhhh!

Mick:

I think we should look at what the people of North Yorkshire were doing in 5 B.C. and whether any of the Samian ware surrounding the Ark might give us a clue as to what these people were eating in the Iron Age.

Tony:

Riveting Stuff, well be back in part 2 when Phil will try to make a replicate Iron Age arse-wipe and piss-pot, and well see what the people of the Iron Age were doing in 5 B.C. as well as the context of the Ark of the Covenant in a small field in North Yorkshire.